Written By Tina Hamilton, The Healing Parenting Coach
“If you want something to cry about, I’ll give you something!”
“Big girls don’t cry!”
“Go to your room until you can stop crying!”
“You’re fine. Brush it off and get on up.”
There isn’t an adult I talk to who hasn’t heard these words – or some variation of these words – at some point in their childhood.
When we were growing up, there was little attention paid to the emotional welfare of a child. The focus was on physical well-being. Did they have food? Clothes? A roof over their head? Yes? Then “you’re fine.”
“Be grateful,” we were taught. “There are children out there who have it far worse than you.”
These statements sound harmless. They sound like anything any parent – especially an exhausted, overwhelmed parent – might say to their kids.
In fact, I’ve said some of these words myself.
Psychologists and researchers now know, however, that when a caregiver fails to meet the emotional needs of a child, it can have detrimental effects on their mental health, both in childhood and later in adulthood.
It has been coined childhood emotional neglect, and it is what I consider to be the most prevalent microtrauma that nearly every adult has faced in their lifetime.
Childhood emotional neglect is often not something that is intentional, which is why many adults don’t identify as having experienced trauma as a child. You could have had parents who were very loving and kind, provided for you, and worked to create a happy and safe environment for you as a child. And yet, they could have struggled to meet your emotional needs.
The difference between Emotional Neglect and Emotional Abuse
It is important to note that there is a distinct difference between emotional neglect and emotional abuse. Emotional neglect is the “failure of caregivers to provide adequate emotional support, validation, and attention to a child or dependent adult,” while emotional abuse is the “deliberate act of emotional harm to another person”1.
In addition, there is a spectrum of emotional neglect that ranges from unintentional to purposeful. What I am referring to in this article is the unintentional and subtle ways in which your emotional needs were not met in childhood.
So what does this type of childhood emotional neglect look like?
When I first read about this form of childhood emotional neglect, I was shocked.
“That’s emotional neglect?!” I remember thinking. “I thought that’s just how kids were parented.”
What I am referring to is the lack of emotional validation and dismissing feelings.
This might sound like, “Oh, it’s not that bad. You’re being dramatic,” or “You’re fine. You won’t even remember this tomorrow.”
This form of emotional neglect is the inability of a caregiver to console an upset child, and instead tells them to stop crying, or in some way minimizes their feelings – a common experience that most readers would resonate with. It is so subtle and intertwined in parenting strategies – especially those before the 2000’s – that it could hardly be considered emotional neglect.
Some adults may have also experienced a caregiver who was unable to provide them with adequate attention. This could look like having parents who worked long hours or a caregiver who was unavailable for deep conversations about what was happening in their child’s life.
None of this seems like something that could be considered traumatic, but it turns out has lasting consequences on the emotional development and well-being of a child.
Signs of childhood emotional neglect
When a child does not receive the emotional support and attention they need, it will manifest in a number of ways during adolescence and later into adulthood.
If you experienced some degree of emotional neglect as a child, you might have some of the following signs:
- Out of touch with your emotions
- Primary emotion shown is anger
- Unable to express likes/dislikes, or speak up for yourself
- People pleasing tendencies
- Difficulty understanding others emotions
- Fear of emotions – yours and others
- Unable to trust or rely on others
- Lack self-discipline
- Addictive behaviors
Childhood emotional neglect and parenting
If you experienced emotional neglect as a child (even subtly), you are likely triggered when your child has big emotions. You might find yourself wanting to make your child move through the emotions faster, mainly because your body is uncomfortable.
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